Who will hold my hair back, while I vomit in the bowl?? It's more serious than that.

I was a 13yo girl who went to parties, rode in cars with boys - sometimes older boys, sometimes fast cars, sometimes I drank too much, I hitched my uniform up, flirted with boys I liked, sometimes did things I wish I hadn't.  I thought my girlfriends with older boyfriends were definitely having sex, when they actually weren't.  I was at parties because I wanted to be.  My friends were there & that was enough for me.

Hearing 'friends of the "Roastbusters"' talk on Campbell Live tonight made me reflect on that era in my life.  Being at a party when you're 13yo is not an invitation to be Raped or 'Roasted' (God I can barely stand to type that word).  Being drunk is not an invitation to be raped.  It's an invitation for someone to look after you, or hold your hair back for you while you vomit in the toilet bowl, or perhaps even to phone your parents.  Usually I had to hold my own hair back.  I have never been raped.  But as I reflect, I have to say that I'm not convinced that I wasn't at parties with potential rapists.  Especially as I listened to the views of those young people on TV tonight.  They believe that their friends did not see what they were doing as 'Rape', even when they had group sex with girls younger than themselves.  What is consensual is questionable.  What's not questionable is the boys intent - that seems quite clear.

I remember a party when I was a few years older - being utterly shocked to walk in to the lounge & discover a room full of friends - majority boys & adults too, watching porn.  The house & party we were at was that of the coach of the boys sports team.  It was their end of season party.   Watching porn together, as a team.   I've often wondered about that.  Wondered about whether these boys were being 'groomed' & so on.  I worried too about the culture they were a part of & I worry about the one our 'boys' are growing up in now.  What are the 'norms', where are the boundaries for these young men.  

Pornography is prolific & I don't care what you say.  In this internet age - for many of our boys & men I fear it is a growing addiction.  I don't like that my nephews are targetted with porn simply because they are teenage boys.  I want our boys & men to know that no matter what the magazines, internet or movies tell you, a lot of what you see is actually not real life & it's not okay.

So, what are the messages that are being given about what's ok.  Coz' it seems to me if we're leaving it to the likes of John Key, the NZ Police, Willie Jackson or John Tamihere, to be the male voice on this - then there is something seriously wrong, & well, we know there is!  Come on men, come on friends.  We can handle your honesty about the struggle - well, I hope we can.  But Speak up & speak clear, so there is no room for doubt as to what you are saying.

I want our young men to be sensitive, caring & kind, smart & critical thinkers, who can see the double standards that are there on the screens of those movies & in the lyrics of  the songs.  I want them to see beyond the rhetoric that rape is about the woman or the victim - because it's not - it's about the man, it's about the perpetrator.  It is also about the rape-prone culture that we live in!  The culture that denigrates the woman, objectifies her, sexualises her, pays her less, values her less & subtly or often not so subtly undermines her voice, experience or personhood.

I want young men to believe whole heartedly in the equality of women because it is the truth that needs to be spoken.  Because this woman is your mother, your aunt, your sister, your cousin & daughter.  She is me. No more, no less.