Who will hold my hair back, while I vomit in the bowl?? It's more serious than that.

I was a 13yo girl who went to parties, rode in cars with boys - sometimes older boys, sometimes fast cars, sometimes I drank too much, I hitched my uniform up, flirted with boys I liked, sometimes did things I wish I hadn't.  I thought my girlfriends with older boyfriends were definitely having sex, when they actually weren't.  I was at parties because I wanted to be.  My friends were there & that was enough for me.

Hearing 'friends of the "Roastbusters"' talk on Campbell Live tonight made me reflect on that era in my life.  Being at a party when you're 13yo is not an invitation to be Raped or 'Roasted' (God I can barely stand to type that word).  Being drunk is not an invitation to be raped.  It's an invitation for someone to look after you, or hold your hair back for you while you vomit in the toilet bowl, or perhaps even to phone your parents.  Usually I had to hold my own hair back.  I have never been raped.  But as I reflect, I have to say that I'm not convinced that I wasn't at parties with potential rapists.  Especially as I listened to the views of those young people on TV tonight.  They believe that their friends did not see what they were doing as 'Rape', even when they had group sex with girls younger than themselves.  What is consensual is questionable.  What's not questionable is the boys intent - that seems quite clear.

I remember a party when I was a few years older - being utterly shocked to walk in to the lounge & discover a room full of friends - majority boys & adults too, watching porn.  The house & party we were at was that of the coach of the boys sports team.  It was their end of season party.   Watching porn together, as a team.   I've often wondered about that.  Wondered about whether these boys were being 'groomed' & so on.  I worried too about the culture they were a part of & I worry about the one our 'boys' are growing up in now.  What are the 'norms', where are the boundaries for these young men.  

Pornography is prolific & I don't care what you say.  In this internet age - for many of our boys & men I fear it is a growing addiction.  I don't like that my nephews are targetted with porn simply because they are teenage boys.  I want our boys & men to know that no matter what the magazines, internet or movies tell you, a lot of what you see is actually not real life & it's not okay.

So, what are the messages that are being given about what's ok.  Coz' it seems to me if we're leaving it to the likes of John Key, the NZ Police, Willie Jackson or John Tamihere, to be the male voice on this - then there is something seriously wrong, & well, we know there is!  Come on men, come on friends.  We can handle your honesty about the struggle - well, I hope we can.  But Speak up & speak clear, so there is no room for doubt as to what you are saying.

I want our young men to be sensitive, caring & kind, smart & critical thinkers, who can see the double standards that are there on the screens of those movies & in the lyrics of  the songs.  I want them to see beyond the rhetoric that rape is about the woman or the victim - because it's not - it's about the man, it's about the perpetrator.  It is also about the rape-prone culture that we live in!  The culture that denigrates the woman, objectifies her, sexualises her, pays her less, values her less & subtly or often not so subtly undermines her voice, experience or personhood.

I want young men to believe whole heartedly in the equality of women because it is the truth that needs to be spoken.  Because this woman is your mother, your aunt, your sister, your cousin & daughter.  She is me. No more, no less.

Jakita, Stevie, Billie, Delta & Pat & All that

Jakita is in the throngs of 'music appreciation'.  She's always loved music but these days she has access to much popular culture stuff & I have to say - I'm struggling with it.  She turns on 90.9 FM whenever she can.  She knows all the words to songs I've never heard before in my life.  It does crack me up though, when Coldplay's "Paradise" comes on she says... "Whenever I hear this song I feel famous"... "& then Sad, because I'm not famous"?!  That's because it's the backtrack to a family video featuring her & the kids.  What is it with this generation of wanting to be 'famous' for doing nothing? Anyway, I feel I need to do something.  I have theories.  Millions of them. Okay, maybe hundreds. Well, I have a few theories, all unproven - but that makes it all the more scientific.  Falsafiability.  I have this one about music that you love.  I believe the music we listen to around the 7-10yo mark is that that is within us.  It's comfort music.  Like a cuddly blanket.  In the past it would've been the music our parents listened too, because we would never have had control over the stereo/record player/something-a-rather-a-phone.  These days..? Yeah Right!  So.  The result for me is I love those Solid Gold albums. I return to them again & again.  Those who know me well know, I will not be satisfied at a sing-a-long 'til we have atleast made an attempt at Delta Dawn or Billy Don't Be A Heroe - no matter how pathetic, & pathetic it often is!  Then there's the music of our teens.  The music we take solace in.  When the lyric resonates with our soul, with our experience, with our life.  I remember laying on the couch listening to my records & thinking "I would die if I couldn't listen to music".  Oh, the drama of the teenager! The depth of feeling. And so enters Stevie & Pat.  Stevie Nicks ofcourse.  Pat Benetar.  Without even trying I'm beginning to see the attraction there.  Stevie with her flowing skirts & free spirit.  As a teen I had the 'gypsy spirit' prayed outa me... yep, pentecostal christianity at it's best?!  Decades later I prayed it back again.  Well, not really.  But, certainly I saw it all rather differently.  Pat was a little bit risky too - with track titles like "Hell is for Children"... hard to sing that one without feeling guilty at the time.  Ironically for all the wrong reasons.  So, as I blast Stevie from my CD today, for the fourth time... I ponder what kind of music do I want to resonate with Jakita.  What will form her, shape her, be within her?  What will she find solace in as she grows? What will bring back the memories for her.  "Paradise" is obviously one already. Rosy Tin Teacaddy, the hits of the Uke-a-Mama's, UB40, Abba, the hits of the 70's & 80's, folk songs,... well, I guess I needn't worry really!

It's Raining Cats & Dogs (Black ones)

Black Dog lurks around the corner
Black Cat watches from her perch
Black Bird flits about for food

Black Dog sniffs around for something
Black Cat moves a little higher
Black Bird senses there is movement

Black Dog longs to be companion
Black Cat settles down to rest
Black Bird offers up her food

Black Dog wants to run & play
Black Cat hopes to lay all day
Black Bird may well flit away

Black Dog must sit & stay there
Black Cat moves a little closer
Black Bird nests with no more fear

Black Dog, Black Cat, Black Bird

Randomness of Living, Loving & Letting Go - A Time for Everything Under the Sun

Life is kind of random, kind of not.  I remember pondering one day as I was driving out of the beautiful Reikorangi Valley, that there was a possibility that I could drive home that same day, or not, & life could have completely changed.  Due to some unforeseen circumstance, event or whatever, on that day or in that moment something could have happened that changed the course, direction or very substance & fabric of life as I knew it then.  Nothing of significance happened, & I drove back in to that beautiful Valley later as expected & as per usual.

But sometimes, randomish things just happen.  Unexpected. Good & Bad.  A child dies.  A chance meeting. An accident.  A windfall of some kind.  Some things seem random, intertwixed (is that a word?) with things that are predictable, foreseeable, explainable.  From one perspective - it is random. From anothers - it was always going to happen.  It is of no surprise that children in Somalia are dying.  It is shocking, it is tragic & it is a sad inditement on our world, our selves, our humanity.  But it seems less random than when a child here in Aotearoa, from a wealthy family with all the resources at their disposal - gets cancer & dies. Both tragic, both painful.  Perhaps some things seem random now, then in retrospect (that is definately a word) we understand.  We gained new knowledge or have insight.  It makes sense.  Somethings never 'make sense'.  They just are.  That is what we accept.  "Who can know the ways of the Lord?"... "Lean not on your own understanding"... & so on.

The Buddists tell us life is suffering & attachment is part of the problem.  Letting go is the solution.  I tend to agree.  But then again.  Life is beautiful.  Fullness of life - that's what Jesus said he came for.  "I come to give you life, life in all it's fullness".  I love that that is what Jesus is about!  Fullness of life.  Even suffering brings beautiful.  Look at the Pearl.  But, letting go - now that's not easy & I'm not surprised!  But without the letting go there is no fullness of life.  Letting go.  Fullness of Life.  Letting go.  Fullness of Life.  It's like breathing.  Living life, breathing life, loving life, letting go of Life.  God help Me.  The Random & the Predictable.  Does it matter?  Let go, Love, Breathe, Live.  A time for everything under the Sun.

RAGE against the machine

Watching Rage on Sunday Theatre, brings back the season of the Springbok Tour & I was only a youngster.  My Mum's Pakeha family were rugby fans & many a midnight hour my cousins & I dragged ourselves out of bed at my Aunty's to watch my Uncle play in some All Black test in a foreign land.  The rugby didn't mean much to me, but us kids being allowed up in the middle of the night to eat chips & drink fizz, now that REALLY meant something.  I think the All Blacks vs France was salt'n'vinegar.

During the tour Mum's brother was high up in the Police force so it was clear what side of the line he was on.  Mum on the other hand was anti-tour.  Always a woman to stand up against injustice, she was ofcourse anti-apartheid.  Ofcourse I was too, a product of my environment.  I suppose most people at the time would've also said they were anti-apartheid, you'd be a bit of a dick not to say that. 
But, the rhetoric at the time or atleast what most of the adult conversations seemed to be about, was whether or not sports & politics should mix.  Personally I think it was an argument purposed to justify the tour without feelings of guilt.  I'm amazed at how much rage there was when people felt like their 'liberties' & 'right' to watch rugby was threatened.  Hmm, loss of liberties & rights.  How ironic.  I wonder what they thought the system of apartheid was.  Anyway.  I think I got myself confused & gave a speech at Feilding Intermediate on "Why sports & politics shouldn't mix".. with a kind of anti-tour slant.  Because ofcourse sports & politics DO mix.  Do we doubt that these days? Did you see "Invictus" or are you awake to the palava of the Rugby World Cup?  One could be forgiven, or perhaps not, for thinking that John Key had singlehandedly brought the World Cup competition to our shores.  Not to mention the hundreds of thousands of taxpayers money already spent or the govt fleet of cars being used to drive around the vip's etc, etc.  Ofcourse sport & politics mix, John Key will be mixing it up as much as he can, maximising the opportunities in the run up to an election!  Sports & Politics have always mixed & likely always will. Whether they should is another issue altogether, the reality is they do.  Atleast in my opinion.

Use It or Lose It

There are so many appropriate uses for this kiwaha (saying), "Use it or Lose it"

I remember my grandparents seemingly spending a lot of their life in their lazy boy chairs working their way slowly through their flagon of beer.  They always seemed to me to be so much older than they actually were.  As I reflect now there is a possibility that they were in their chairs because we were visiting but I'm not convinced of that. They both passed on a number of years ago now. My Nana died one evening, seated in that very chair.  This is a little reminder to myself that I need to start using my body more or I can expect it to start caving in on me more completely than it already is!

But, this is not why I write.  I write because I am convicted of my lethargy when it comes to learning & using Te Reo Maaori - Te Reo Rangatira & of late we have heard much of the challenge that unless the Reo is spoken it will be lost.  If Te Ao Maaori is to flourish the language also needs to be alive & well, for it is in the language that a culture is communicated.  The things we value, believe & hold true & dear.  So, I can not afford to sit on my arse any longer.  My language needs me!  Yes I am only one, but you & me makes atleast 2!..& if we can find a friend - well we have community, a space amongst us where others can come & listen & learn & speak.  I figure if it takes about 10+years to become fluent, then I will be in my cough, cough 50somethings.  I'll still be a young sheila by then!  Sweeeeet.  Ko te Reo Maaori toku Tikanga Whakahaere Hou.  There I said it.  Now for some action & pushing through some pain barriers!!  Who will join me on this Haerenga??! I will need some friends.  Haere mai koutou, haere mai

Hairdressers should never talk politics, religion & some other thing

I have to vent here because Facebook might not be the place!  I'm thinking I should apply the code of hairdressers to FB as I imagine there are good reasons not to talk politics or religion.  But right now I'm wondering how I can be friends with someone who continues to vote National.  I have friends who are paying members of the National Party, & family who are no doubt still hard core supporters, but watching Hollow Men - I just wonder how someone could watch it & continue to think it's ok?  My Mum was a Labour supporter, as a kid I helped deliver Labour pamphlets on cold nights.  She once stood out Muldoon in the main street in Palmerston North & hit him up about his social welfare policies.  She was a hardworking solo Mum!  I'm thankful that my Mum had a social conscience, that she cared about people & that was reflected in her life & in her choice of politics, & it was absolutely a CHOICE!  My thinking is that there is still such ignorance largely because people are not in proximity to others different to themselves.  They base their opinions & beliefs purely on media, propaganda, prejudice & their choice to continue life in ignorance.  Unfortunately most people also typically vote according to what is best for their ownselves.  Rant, rant.  Watching Hollow Men I thought it was interesting that the women on the National front bench - Georgina Te Heuheu & Katherine Rich went because they couldn't support the policies of the Orewa Speeches.  Women who have consciences.  I'm not holding out any hope that Paula Bennett has any personal convictions of her own, I suspect she is happy to play puppet to the Party.  Then there's good ole Don Brash back again trying to give the 'winning strategy' another shot - aiming to appeal to soft voters by playing the race card, beneficiary card, & so on.  As we approach this coming election I have a growing feeling of dreed, a wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach.  What to do? What to do?  I'll get back to you on that one.